Dear Ms. Gray, please don't be too hysterical

Jacob, an ordinary looking boy, decides to write to his teacher explaining why he didn't do his homework. His excuse? That he's a top-secret agent.

Dear Ms. Gray, please don’t be too hysterical,

I did complete the very long 100-page essay on why books are good, and video-games are horrible that you asked for today (again I disagree on this). I just don’t have it right here, in this moment. I know that this is the millionth time that I haven’t handed in homework on time, but this time I have a sensible explanation. Aliens took it. Stole it.

Now, before I explain exactly what happened you must promise me. Never. Ever. Ever. Tell anyone what you are about to read. This information is so secret, so mysterious that your very life could be in danger if you tell someone. I need you to promise, Ms. Gray, because what you’re going to read will change your life.

Did you swear the oath? Did you seal your lips and throw the key far away (preferably in a lake)? I trust you to never tell anyone. I really do.

Now that you promised (you better have), I can spill the milk. Or was it the beans? I honestly would have called it ‘I can tell the info.’ I mean how does ‘spilling the milk’ refer to ‘telling you a secret’. You see what I mean? You can’t spill info; you can only tell it. Also how is milk= to beans= to info? Like, I never really got it.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the case of the missing homework. So, here’s the deal (you might want to sit down).

I’m a top-secret agent.

I work for the AP, or the Alien Preventers. I got recruited when I was 9 and I have been officially nominated a solo worker for a year now. Being a solo worker means I am a pro. I am good at the job. What is the job, I hear you say? Well the AP is a top secret, no one knows about, mysterious, secretive, important, lifesaving, company. Basically, we are like the FBI or the CIA or the M16 or M15 only way, way, way, way, way more unknown and way better. Our job is to defend Earth, our planet against aliens. Aliens have been trying to enter this world for years now; they have been stealing our stuff (like homework), possessing people (yikes) and causing mayhem, chaos and havoc globally (whoa). My job, like many others, is to fight against this evil, save lives, help the ones that need help even though they don’t know it and save homework from these creatures.

You see, the most common type of alien is the fures Duis congue sem or in the English language, homework thieves. They are in festive beasts, like cockroaches, flies, mosquitos or ants. Their goal? To steal homework and… eat it. The more they eat the more information they absorb, making them smarter, more knowledgeable and basically more dangerous as they slowly learn about us humans.

This morning, Ms. Gray, I met one. He was ginormous, looked like a booger and was a danger to the world. He (as girls are yellow and boys are green, so he really looked like a booger) came up to me from behind (so I didn’t see him) and stole my homework. My 100-page essay gone just like that. The thing was that he was sticky (sticky aliens are even more dangerous than normal ones) so his hand got stuck on my clothes, the same hand that was holding my essay. As he slowly digested the papers, I too was being dragged to his gapping mouth. I was so close to being eaten, so close to ending my short life. Luckily, I had a Swiss Army knife in my pocket and quick like the Flash I cut off his arm. If you cut off an alien’s arm they disintegrate. Exactly like in the end of the Avengers: Infinity War. He simply crumbled and his ashes flew in the air. But I was too late. My homework, the work I worked on for days had been digested by the dangerous beast. It was worth it, though. Wherever sticky aliens go they cause earthquakes and lava breaks the land. Destruction follows them everywhere. I helped the world today, I saved our city, New York. Imagine if I hadn’t killed him. New York would be in ashes and the rest of the world would be waiting in line. I’m sure you understand how important that was. My homework sacrificed itself for us.

For the world.

For humanity.

I’m sure you understand, Ms. Gray. My homework and I, we saved the world. Excuse me for the language, but I am hell good at this job. I am an honest boy, a hero. I’m so humble and modest that I don’t even want people to thank me (although you can feel free to). Today the world was saved. Nobody was hurt expect for a very good essay and my favourite shirt (that’s why I came in without a shirt, BTW). Um… I know this is awkward… but could you buy me a size 12 shirt in the shop nearby? I don’t want to involve the principal or my parents or something because I'm sure they have other more important and stressing things to deal with. So, as favor for your one and only top-secret agent, could you buy me a shirt? It doesn’t need to be Gucci or something, but I would prefer those black and white octopus shirts, you know, the ones that have white tentacles coming from the top and a black bottom. Since my homework and I have saved the world (and the school) it would be really kind if you bought me one. Oh, and I forgot my snack today so a double espresso (how do you think I look so great) and a (preferably chocolate) croissant won’t be refused.

Thank you and your welcome.

Your one and only top-secret agent,

Jacob

P.S. Just reminding you not to tell anyone about these events. I trust you to keep this little secret and you should trust me to save the world.

P.P.S. Since I saved the world today, and since my homework scarified itself, I don’t need to write another essay, right? I can tell you verbally, although you have to keep in mind I’m still full of adrenaline from the alien incident so I might mess up a bit.

P.P.P.S. As this is mandatory in the AP: I, Jacob Wilson, hereby trust you, Lorna Gray, to keep the secret of the aliens inside you and to pay for any mental therapist you might need after reading this document.

So, please don’t be too hysterical.